Letting go

Mumbling feverishly to myself, I edit a manuscript as quickly as I can. "Gotta get this done before school starts."

My muse walks silently into my room and watches me for a while, then she says, "It's time to stop."

I turn around and see her standing in the doorway. "What?"

"Time to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Stop trying to do everything."

Pushing my glasses higher on the bridge of my nose, I say, "What are you talking about?"

She walks to me and sits on the edge of my desk, folding her hands neatly in her lap. "I want you to take a break from Medusa's Muse."

I stare at her so hard the snakes look like their getting nervous and retreat behind her head. "Are you joking? Wasn't this all your idea? What the hell are you saying?"

She looks up at the ceiling and sighs, then slowly nods. "Yes. It was my idea. All of it. I urged you to start a press and become a publisher, but the reality is you can't do it right now. It's impossible. No one can do everything that you do."

"I'm not gonna quit."

Looking at me, she smiles. "I'm not saying quit. I'm saying stop. There's a difference." She bites her lip as if deciding how to explain herself. "Quitting would be shutting it all down and never publishing again. Stopping is taking a break to reevaluate your situation." She points to the bookcase beside her which is crammed with text-books and binders. "You are a student now, which is good. It's important that you do that and study hard so you'll have a good paying job helping people, something that will make you happy. But that means you have even less time running Medusa's Muse, and it was hard enough to do before you started school."

"But if I stop now what will keep Medusa's Muse going? I don't want it to end."

"It won't. You have three books published which will still require attention and energy. As long as those books are in print your company will survive."

I slump in my chair. "Look at my own book. Sales have been dismal because I haven't had time to market it."

"Exactly. And look at the punk anthology. Look how long it's taken to be published and how many delays there have been because of lack of time and money. The biggest problem you have is trying to do it all on your own. All the publishing, marketing, and managing, on top of graduate school and being a mom. You are not Wonder Woman, no matter how much you pretend to be one."

"So what do you want me to do?"

Leaning back, she crosses her arms and sighs. "Stop being so hard on yourself. You've accomplished a great deal, even more than I thought you could. You have nothing more to prove."

"I'm not trying to prove anything..."

"Yes you are. You always are. You have to be the most productive and efficient or you're a failure. Time to let that idea go."

"I don't..."

She holds up her hand to silence me. "Finish the anthology and then stop publishing books for a while, at least until you're done with school. Give your limited attention to the books that you've published, but encourage the writers to do more of the marketing. Pour your energy into your child and school. Let yourself feel proud of the three books you've helped create and the dreams you helped come true. And trust that Medusa's Muse will survive without your constant attention."

"Is that all?" I laugh wearily.

"Yes. That's all." She smiles and stands. "It's time to enjoy what you've created."

Enjoy what I've created? How do I do that? All I know how to do is create. I don't know how to relax and not long for the next project, the next creative endeavor? I doubt I'm capable of relaxing. But just the idea creates a tiny glimmer of happiness in my heart. What if I let go a little, stopped imposing impossible deadlines on myself, and sat back to enjoy some of the so-called fruits of my labor? Can I learn to just be proud of what I've already accomplished, without demanding more from myself?

Why do I push myself so hard?

"I'll think about it," I say.

"Good." My muse stands and walks out the door as silently as she entered. I sit back in my chair, stare at my laptop, and wonder what it would be like to stop running this race I've created for myself.

Another Thought About Defining Your Own Success

Do your art. But don't wreck your art if it doesn't lend itself to paying the bills. That would be a tragedy.Seth Godin

The above comment was written by Seth Godin in his blog post "Maybe you can't make money doing what you love." Click the link to read the full post, which raises some very thought provoking questions, most especially, do we need to monotize our art to feel succesful?

In an earlier post, I wrote about how I define my idea of success for myself and I enouraged you to do the same. Success is a bright and shiny thing we all long for when we see it gleaming with promise on the edge of the horizon. If we're smart enough, or lucky enough, or work our asses off long enough, we too can claim our golden prize. But what exactly are we hoping to get? What if that golden prize is full of snakes, or demands a sacrifice we aren't prepared to make?

I love publishing and writing. It is my passion and helps keep me sane in my otherwise chaotic life. However, I know that the odds of me making a living doing the work I love are pretty slim, so I'm going to school to learn a skill that WILL pay my bills. It doesn't mean I'm giving up on publishing; far from it. By having a so called "day job," one that will help support Medusa's Muse, I can immerse myself in the types of projects and writing I love, thus giving my Muse a little more freedom to explore. I won't have to watch the bottom line so much, worrying that I didn't sell enough books to pay the electric bill. As long as Medusa's Muse can sustain itself, meaning each book eventually earns enough to pay its fixed costs, then I can keep doing what I love.

School is hard work and is already eating into my publishing time. Like right now I'm supposed to be working on my take home mid-term exam for SPEC ED 741, but instead I'm blogging and working on the Punk anthology. I know when I'm finished with school and working in the Orientation and Mobility field, my time for publishing may be more limited. I may have to scale back on my plans to publish two books a year, but I'll still be able to be a publisher. Time management will again be the battle, as it always is, but cash flow will improve. There's always a trade off.

Don't let the need for monitary validation destroy your passion for your art. Keep creating and experimenting, regardless of how many books you sell or earn in a year. Part of being in this industry is the joy of creating, of telling stories and sharing them with others. If you're only here for the glory and fortune, you may be very disappointed when you open that golden prize at last and discover there's nothing inside.

Claim your own Success

"You don’t need mass appeal or millions of customers to be a success. But your definition of success needs to be a keystone of your brand. You decide what success is, then show the world how magnificently successful you are by that light... You’ve got to create the fame and fortune in your own outlook first. Claim your position."

Sonia Simone

I read this quote in Robin Good's Newsletter several times because this is exactly what I've been feeling and trying to explain in the business book I've been writing, but I struggled with the words to express that feeling. What is success, or more importantly, what is success to me? Is being a publishing success really selling a million copies of my books? Is it having one of my authors discuss her book on Oprah? Or is success simply transforming a manuscript into a book so that the author gets her moment in the sun and I earn enough to pay the print bill? Right now, my success is closer to the latter than to Oprah, but do I really need Oprah to call Medusa's Muse a successful publishing company?

Success is a tricky thing. Too often we allow others to define what success is for us, from our parents to our spouses, our boss and our friends. Everyone seems to agree success is related to cash: the more you make, the more successful you are. I keep seeing new self-publishers and authors beating themselves to death with the wish for fame and fortune, spending more money on their books with the belief that one more advertising campaign will snare that longed for recognition. Too quickly, they give up in disgust, convinced they were failures because they could only sell one hundred copies of their book.

By whose definition are they failures? Is success entirely about money? What else defines success?

I think that success is linked to your long term goals rather than to your bank account. If you dream of getting rich on your books and retiring from your boring day job, then yeah, you need to sell a million copies to create that type of success, and unfortunately the odds of that happening aren't good. But why not try?

My long term dream is to be a Muse for future generations. I want a big house or a plot of land where artists of all types can come and stay and be fed and nurtured while they create their art. Seeing as I can't afford a house right now, I started a publishing company so that a few writers will get singular attention and share their words with the world. In the short term, I need Medusa's Muse to break even and pay for itself, otherwise I'll never get to that big house with all those writers and musicians. I don't expect the press to pay for my house, so I'm back in school to be an Orientation and Mobility Instructor like Laura Fogg. Success for me right now means being able to create art which I am passionate about and that pays for itself. Oprah Winfrey is welcome to visit if she'd like, but it isn't a requirement.

Before you head out into the world of publishing with your trunk full of books, write down what success means to you; not what it means to your mother or best friend, but what it means to YOU. Keep that piece of paper with you to help you stay on track. Are you following your own dreams of success or straying into what your grandparents expect?

And head over to Sonia's blog for more excellent advice about Marketing, Small Business, and making your dreams come true.